The Dynamics of Gaslighting

Following on from my previous post on Gaslighting and Psychological Abuse, I thought it would be useful to highlight other gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:

Withholding: the abusive partner deliberately pretends not to understand what their victim is saying, or refuses to listen to them. For example:

“You’re not making yourself clear. I don’t understand what you are saying”

“I don’t want to hear this again,”

“You’re trying to confuse me.”

Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, especially when the victim presents an accurate recollection. For example:

“You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”

“You got that completely wrong. What actually happened was…”

Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. For example:

“No. You’re wrong. No need to repeat yourself. Now, we promised that we would go for dinner with…”

“Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member/work colleague]?”

“You’re imagining things.”

Trivialising: the abusive partner deliberately makes the victim’s feelings and/or needs seem unimportant. For example:

“Why are you getting angry over a trivial little thing like that?”

“Man up! You’re far too sensitive”

“You should act like an adult, not like a little child”

Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten the actual details of an event or denies out right promises and/or assurances made to the victim. For example:

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

“I never said that at all. You always invent things”

“You’re just making things up”

  

 

A common form of emotional abuse is “I love you, but…” This is an insidious form of disguised criticism and, when you think about it, is also an implied threat. What it means is “I love you now, but if you don’t stop this or that, my love will be taken away from you.” It's a statement designed to strip away the victim’s sense of self and self-esteem. Unfortunately, the word “love” is a powerful weapon in the abuser’s arsenal as it becomes a word that effectively controls their victim. All the victim wants is love. The abuser knows this and uses it to control by offering the love they crave, with a concomitant threat to take it away. This can also come in the form of actions such as being nice, offering compliments, giving gifts etc. All designed to throw the victim into confusion whilst being an insidious way of seemingly erasing all their previous bad treatment. It is very rare for abusive relationships not to have these frequently intense moments of feeling good, accompanied by overly sincere apologies or other seemingly earnest attempts to make up for bad behaviour. The victim tenaciously clings to hope when these moments occur, hoping and believing that this means things have changed. The abuser knows this and therefore uses it to devastating effect.

Remember: the UK now has a new offence of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour that has been introduced by the government, and is now enshrined in law.

Peter Mabbutt FBSCH

www.lcch.co.uk 

Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse

People who know me well know that in addition to my passion for Doctor Who, I also have a passion for the radio soap opera The Archers.  For those not living in the UK, The Archers is the worlds longest running soap opera, having been broadcast since the mid 1950s. Its centred around the fictional village of Ambridge, situated in the Midlands.

No. I haven’t suddenly decided to change direction and make this a fan blog. The reason I am talking about this programme is that there has been a long running story line highlighting the increasingly abusive relationship between Helen Archer and Rob Titchner – spoiler alert – that ended up with Helen stabbing Rob. Listening to the drama unfold has been and continues to be (Rob didn’t die) an uncomfortable experience as the realism and superb acting do hit home in an almost visceral way. The script writers have done an excellent job, to the extent that the listener did doubt whether she or he is reading too much into Robs behaviour with Helen.

We are also confronted with abuse on a daily basis via the media who frequently report on abusive incidents with so-called celebrities and other popular cultural figure. We are shocked by, but get increasingly desensitised to images of people being hit or shoved, called degrading names or publicly cursed. However, these are overt examples of abuse.  It is a sad fact that abuse can very well be underhanded, very subtle, and covert, often going unnoticed by all except the victim - something that protects the abuser and, by its covert nature, creates a state of confusion in the person on the receiving end as they question whether they are being actually being abused.

Someone in such a relationship often feels as though they are constantly walking on egg shells all the time, censoring their actions and behaviours just in case there is subtle retribution.

Emotional or as it's also called, psychological abuse occurs when a person in a relationship tries to control information available to another person with intent to manipulate that person’s sense of reality or their view of what is acceptable and unacceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content and threats designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser’s wishes.

All abuse takes a severe toll on self-esteem. The scary fact is that this leaves wounds and scars that are unseen by others, yet painfully born by the victim. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. That somehow they are responsible for what happened.

Something that the relationship between Rob and Helen in The Archers has highlighted has been a more sophisticated form of psychological abuse that is often referred to as “gaslighting.”

This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the lights have changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship. Gas lighting is subtle and not obvious to others outside the relationship - something that goes a long way to protecting the abuser.

Examples may range simply from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing the victim. A typical example would be: “but darling, you must remember. I did tell you that yesterday” (said in the full knowledge that nothing I fact was said).

Luckily in the UK a new offence of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour has been introduced by the government and has entered in to law. The government has also updated its definition of domestic violence now recognises the impact of threatening behaviour and now protects in law. The government definition of domestic violence and abuse is now:

“any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over (below - child protection act) who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. The abuse can encompass, but is not limited to:

·       psychological

·       physical

·       sexual

·       financial

·       emotional

Controlling behaviour

Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Coercive behaviour

Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.”

 

This now means that for the first time people who control their partners through threats or by restricting their personal or financial freedom, could face prison in the same way they do if they are violent - and that could mean anything up to 5 years in prison.

Peter Mabbutt FBSCH

www.lcch.co.uk